Who am I? What makes me, me? How am I different. Am I different? Do I have any unique essence that makes me, me?
Have I changed in the last 10 years? 5 years, 2 years. How so? Am I same person or a different one? What is a even a person?
So many questions and I have no answer. I just wonder around.
Let's introduce myself, let me tell you who I think I am.
I am called Tahmid, I like to think I am an introverted person. It's usually hard for me to communicate with people. And I do not like the energy that I give. My assumption is that I am not a fun person to hang out with. I have very low confidence. I am self critical. I am somehow always afraid to make mistakes or how I would be perceived by other people when I do that. I try not to but it happens anyway.
I think that I am person who likes to read and has read at least a good amount of books. But now I am not so sure.
I remember when I was young (and stupid) I used to care less about what other people think about me. I would do things regardless of thinking about how I am perceived by other people. It's been a while I have started to care.
At some point in my life, I have found the taste of validation of other people I guess and I have been defined by it. I do not want to be defined like that.
But it feels so nice, so warm inside when other people are nice to you. When you feel loved, you feel you are useful, you are worth something. I keep chasing that feeling I guess.
But let's uncover some truth!
I am just nice - nothing more, nothing less. It's easiest thing to be. You only do the barest amount that is demanded from you. You have no opinion. You have no character. You don't make hard decisions. You are not recognizable. You do not put yourself down there.
You are mostly useless in everyday things. You do not have skills. Suppose you decide to have a party. You don't have skills so that you could be useful. You do not know how to cook - you are indecisive. You make bad decision. You are not even pretty and soothing to look at. Sometimes you are like a creep. Sometimes you are like a waste of oxygen and being a human. If you need to do something - you need someone else to tell you what to do - how to do it. Even when you need to do normal stuff.
You are not clean. You are just the bare minimum. You do not dress well. You do not look pretty or cute.
You stand for too much shit. You don't have much self respect. You don't fight people. You should fight more.
Let's uncover some more truths.
You say you don't have friends :( What have you done about it? Have you went into some meetup? Do you even like any male human being? Can you hold a conversation with any other male human being? You are a disgusting person. You are disgusting.
Do you take care of your f
riends? Do you call your friends? Ask them how they are? What's happening in their life and truly listen? Do you do any of these? You just fucking worry about the things that you haven't get. Only sulking, sulking and more sulking.
Where does it end?